Let  all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, to be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.                                                Ephesians 4:31,32
By nature I am an organized person. I enjoy making lists and checking things off as I go. I like to know what is on the agenda for the day and see things happen exactly the way that they were planned. Last minute changes should never occur. In my view, things should move smoothly and efficiently with no interruptions. (I am gaining on this–trying to embrace flexibility)
If you are a parent, you know already this form of ideological thinking is living in a fantasy land.
I banged my head against the wall for years trying to make this fantasy become reality.  Sometimes I could make the smooth transition from Plan “A” to Plan “B”, but if it looked like a Plan “C” may be necessary, I was done. I would get so frustrated if the unexpected happened. Frankly, I liked being in control!
As a child, I knew when my mom was close to reaching her overload capacity. She’d holler,  “I’m gonna blow my ever-lovin’ stack!”  My brother, sisters and I would interpret that as, “Warning, warning evacuate the area quickly and quietly!”  We would slink out of the room and wait until she calmed down or was able to ferret out the culprit and  give them their due.
My girls weren’t quite so blessed. I didn’t usually send a warning. I just blew. Making themselves as stealthy as possible, they would slip out of the room if I hadn’t already laid hands on them. The duck and cover routine wasn’t always successful. Sometimes I would detect movement in the perimeter, while other times I’d go on a search and destroy mission. All these military terms are appropriate because I  was like a boot camp drill sergeant, barking orders and demanding respect. It was bad!
Will was able to escape most of the shrapnel from my explosions by spending more hours at work, but the poor kids, they were stuck with me. I don’t know how they survived those early years.
Although I may be sounding lighthearted and flippant, knowing how I behaved really crushes me. Instead of enjoying the girls and “realizing the blessing”, I was consumed with order and responsibility.  Looking back, I see that my rigid ways kept me from enjoying many precious moments. Not that I overlooked them all, but I must have missed thousands.
God faithfully kept working on my heart and mind until I began surrendering control to Him. I discovered I had been so busy trying to figure out what I was supposed to be doing, my eyes were closed to what He was already doing.
God began exposing the dark spots in my heart to me. He did this bit by bit so I wouldn’t become overwhelmed and run from His constraining love. Looking deep within my heart was painful. It frequently was an ugly sight. But as He begin to strip away pieces of my old nature, He began to reveal more of Himself to me. His nuances became mine.
The vision I have of this wonderful work is simple. It works for me because I cannot tolerate the smell or appearance of canned sardines. I see myself as this tin can filled with sardines. God has His hand on the key and begins to peel back the lid. Once the lid is cracked, out wafts the horrendous odor of stinky sardines. God continues to roll back the lid exposing the full panorama of the dead fish.
Then He does something amazing. He begins to pluck them out of the can. As He removes each sardine, the smell diminishes. Before long, the shiny reflective bottom of the can begins to peek out around the fish. In that mirroring surface emerges the face of God. As God empties me of all the malodorous garbage, He begins to fill me with His sweet presence. The more I lose of me, the more I gain of Him. It is a wonderful, mind-warping transformation taking place in my spirit. God is  faithful to continue working on me as long as I am willing to change.
His lessons are daily, moment by moment. God continues to prove to me how much he loves  my family and me. I am responding by becoming more trusting and flexible. My time in prayer and reading has increased. I’ve accepted the fact that things will happen that I won’t know how to handle, but its OK. God is there to uplift me. He is my stronghold and my sure tower. He will give me the words and wisdom I need in each battle with the enemy. Ultimately, I have learned its about His strength, not mine.